Simple kind of life…

All my life, I have lived in silence…
refusing to let anyone enter the darkness of my thoughts…
so as to protect myself, and the people that i cared the most..
for i thought it was a sign of strength.. of maturity..
and that in my silence would then come peace..
as well as what i thought would be happiness..
if not for me, at least for others..
for i never wanted to hurt anyone..
thinking, it was always better me than them..

and so it goes.. in my silence i gained nothin but pain..
and what i thought would strenghten me,
has instead made me more vulnerable..
as every thought i keep sucks the energy out of me..
and all the secrets i keep..
would haunt me to the depths of my soul..
thus, it gave me no peace of mind..
nor did it make ammends to the conflicts i encounter
with the people that surround me..
and contrary to my belief, I hurt, not only myself..
but the people that i love.. and those who love me..
this is not what i wanted.. so this has got to stop..

so i am breaking my silence..
the silence that has numbed the senses out of me..
the silence that has sinked me into utter depression..
i will not allow myself to get hurt again..
by anyone.. most specially by me.

i am breaking my silence..
for i refuse to succumb to misery, no more..
i will open myself to the beauty of the world..
and let the sun shed light to the darkness of my being..

i am breaking my silence..
the defeaning silence that has disabled me from listening..
i will let the music of life enchant me..
and i will sway to the tune of joyful thoughts..

i am breaking my silence..
because finally, someone saw right through me..
and cracked the barriers that has kept me frozen
through the power of love that he gave me..

so today, i am breaking my silence..
and will let your love compel me to speak..
i will shout to the top of my lungs..
of how your love has set me free..

"I was hurt by love, but I was consoled by love…
I let go because of love, but I still hold on to love…
I cannot understand love, yet I know how to love…
It is hard to love, but I still choose to love…
I was lost in love, yet love leads me to love greater…
I have faith in love,  for it never fails…"

Have fun at Bora babe… love you…

I know i’ve on hiatus for about a month or so… just made some major life-altering decisions (not to mention being hospitalized for a week… my 1st time and it sucked…) and it’s been quite one bloody hell of a rollercoaster ride… just needed to focus on it for a while… anyway, so here’s what’s up… imagine a series of events that usually takes about a year or so to happen for most people, unfolding right
in front of you in just barely one month… like everything’s playing in fast
forward… and I’m moving at such a fast speed that everything around
me seems to appear blurry, but i didn’t care coz i’m just fuckin
enjoyin the ride… i’m feeling mixed emotions… it’s been really fun yet scary at the same time… but heck, i was loving every minute of it…

now i’m
getting a bit queasy… i dunno… maybe i’ve been so constant for the past 3 years… so i guess i’m not used to this kind of rush
anymore…

a lot has changed in me over those
3 years.. specially during the latter part of it… i guess i was just suppressing (or denying) them… but now they’re becoming more apparent as i deal with
new people… maybe they were already innate in me, but there was no
way i could express them at the time coz im such a stubborn little prick… i
dunno… but all i know now is that i’m thinking why am i like this?! i’m not like this!!! this isn’t me!!! so i don’t really know yet if the change is good or bad… but definitely i’m not comfortable with it… well, not yet at least… everything happened soooo fast, it’s gonna take some getting used to… and i think i got sick because of of all the stress too…  weird thing is, they found nothing wrong with me… i was just in pain…

i
know i’m being really vague here.. but for now, i just like to keep
everything a mystery… i just want to vent… i’m just really overwhelmed… all i know is right now, i’ve never felt so conscious… so clingy… and so intimidated by someone… this is just so not me…

but i have to admit, i like where i am right now… i feel like for the first time, i wasn’t left hanging no more, like everything’s crystal clear… no middle grounds, no gray area… just pure certainty in knowing where i stand… and that’s good enough for me…

a friend of mine texted me this quote before… i dunno why i kept it all this time… i guess now i realize it might be true…

We can never be happy with something that was wrong…
but if somewhere along the way what was wrong has made us happy…
then it must have been right all along…

im quite happy right now, so does that mean i made the right decision? hmm… interesting… but for the meantime, i’m still hoping for the best…

Whoa!!! For a minute there I thought, "Hey! I don’t remember doing this shoot!" Ooops, my bad… I thought it was me… hahaha! Amazing!!!

By the way, this is Kou Shibasaki… She’s this popular singer/actress in Japan (if you’ve watched that Asian horror flick One Missed Call, you’d probably know her). We’re not really look-alikes, but apparently in this photo, we have a slightly striking resemblance.. well, minus the skin color that is… hehe! Got some of my coworkers fooled though… they were browsing through this forum about this popular Japanese chick (forgot the name… these guys just love them Japanese girls :p) and saw this pic… They thought I was already hitting it big in Japan… AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wish!

Last Saturday, I got together with my two bestfriends at Podium… hung out and did some catching up over coffee. Just talk.. talk.. talk.. Nothing fancy. But we did have a lot of fun. This is actually the first time in years we had a night out as singles again. Yes, three single girls out on a Saturday night… No boyfriends lurking around us, or calling to check up on us, or telling us we have to go home early, you know the deal. Yup, it was such a beautiful night. As Destiny’s Child would sing "Ain’t no feeling like being free.." Hmm… Feels like college all over again.

This is the kind of stuff that I miss. Good conversations with good friends. And for a very long time I was kinda deprived of that coz both these girlfriends of mine were attached for a long.. long.. long time with their so-they-thought love of their lives… See, these ladies were in a long term, and not to mention serious, relationships with their FIRST (ex)BFs - one for almost 7 years, and one almost 5. During college, I was always the 3rd wheel.. in get-togethers, I was always on stag… though I had my share of being in a somewhat serious relationship… we were on and off and on then eventually off for good. The rest were never the serious kinds. It’s either I was serial dating or having ungodly relationships with men..

I dunno, I guess as a typical Sagittarian, I really loved my freedom too much. I don’t like the idea of being "tied down". I get upset by the fact that I can’t hangout with my bestfriends because their BFs didn’t want to, or because they wanted to just be with their BFs… Though I do understand, that’s what their setup was, and I respect that. I guess, somehow deep inside I envied them for having such kinds of relationships. I still wonder what it’s like… *sigh* But they have to admit, I had the most fun though. *lol*

And now, being together again with them as singles feels kinda refreshing. It’s a sad thought that their relationships didn’t work out… but that’s just how life is… shit always happens… and they should’ve anticipated that. I guess if you’re in a relationship for that long, you kinda feel confident that things will just stay the way they are. But I wouldn’t know that feeling, would I? Me… I’m always a classic case walking paranoia… just like right now. Probably the reason why I stopped the dating games. It kinda gets tiring too, you know. Although my friends would probably disagree with me on that excuse.. hehe! I know.. i know.. I’m a fool in love! You know the feeling… it’s crappy! But whatever… *sigh*

Anyway, I know it’s kinda selfish of me, but somehow I felt kinda relieved… relieved that our friendship can carry on again like it used to. Now we can talk about stuff again I can actually relate to… and new stuff that I never really knew  about them until now… And I am happy that they are experiencing new things again… things that they were supposed to experience while we were a bit more younger. Like I said earlier, that night really felt like college all over again.. I felt somewhat contented.

Carrie Bradshaw was right… "If you are single, there is always one thing you should take out with you on a Saturday night… your friends."

*****************

To my bessies… I know all of us are goin through some pretty tough
shit right now with men, but being with you guys made a big difference in my
pretty fucked up week. I really had a blast last Saturday, even if we we’re just sitting down doin nothing but talk… And I hope we
could do it again real soon!!! I love you guys!!! *muah*

Isten, we really missed you that night… and girl, you missed a hell lot!!! So next time you better be there… Hope to see you soon! Love you too…

"There’s a moment..
There’s always a moment!
I can do this, I can give in to this, or I can resist it.
And I don’t know what your moment was
But I bet you, there was one."

- CLOSER

Last night I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
on DVD… I have been longing to watch it since it was shown here, but
I never had the chance… until last night. It was surreal and I fell
in love with it. Bittersweet. Got me inspired. :p

===========================

"My dreams are cruel joke.
They taunt me.
Even in my dreams I’m an idiot
Who knows he’s about to wake up to reality.
If I could only avoid sleep. But I can’t.
I try to tell myself what to dream
I try to dream that I’m flying…
Something free…

It never works…"

So I keep holding on to those dreams
though I know I get nothing.
Not even wanting to wake up..
for I know when I wake,
Truth will slap me in the face.
The pain will drain me out,
and tears will make me see through you.
I’m scared to face what could be the inevitable…
I’m scared to open my eyes
and see what’s out there…
because I’m scared to find out
that finally…
I’m looking at a different you.

==========================

Last weekend, I read this article from the newspaper entitled Pick Your Status: Wife, Mistress, Lover? Yeah, I read newspapers too.. God I must be really getting old! Anyway, it talked about women having 3 roles in relationships. But unfortunately, we must only pick one, "Until we get tired or he gets very tired and then we change status." Oh well, what’s new?

A. The Wife
It says this the strongest position of the three since you have legal identity. Ideal… until you realize the romance is gone and you’re just trying to keep the love alive, maybe for the sake of your kids. But heck, that’s a lot of work, and a lot of sacrifices to take. One really has to have some martyr blood in her to pull that off. Hmm, reminds me again of our Jesus List game..

B. The Mistress

This role, on the other hand, is like being the second wife…  a back-up so to speak, in case the man gets bored with the legal wife… you know the deal. It’s pretty much as good as being the wife, only no sleep overs for you. But damn, if you’re lucky and the wife dies young, now you can demand… who knows you might get to have that sleep over you’ve been wanting for so long… until the romance dies down for you too and next thing you know you’re asking yourself why do you have to spoil everything with marriage? Sucks doesn’t it?

C. The Lover
In other words, the significant other. For this role, all you get is the joy of being together, no strings attached *ouch!*, and you probably end up with only memories, instead of marriage or financial settlements. Less hassle, less stress, less heartaches *you think?*.. sounds promising? Yeah, but it’s pretty much less of everything else as well. How fulfilling… *double ouch!*

So, A, B, or C? Hmm…  If you marry, USA statistics say that "you stay happy from anywhere between 2 to four and a half years." What’s next is, well, I guess all work and no play… making you as dull as Jack… whoever he is. If you become a mistress, sure that could work… it usually starts our pretty good… you’ll be well provided for, but can you live with the thought of being only the second choice? Besides, these situations almost always end up in a mess. And if you become a lover, nothing’s gonna come out of it, so might as well not. Doesn’t give you much of a choice does it?

But the author did point out one thing that’s actually not in the choices she gave earlier. This is probably the most common option that most women rule out in relationships… the relationship with the self. She said she’s been married, then became a mistress, but she in the end realized being single is the best choice she made among the many roles that women play. Well good for her. On the other hand, maybe she’s just bitter that her relationships didn’t work out.. hehehe!

I guess it’s really a case to case basis. I just found this article interesting, so I just thought of sharing it. It’s not to say that I advocate single-blessedness. I just think that it’s a choice that women should also consider. It’s not sad as you’d think it sounds (society is to blame for that stereotypical mentality).. I’m just saying it’s probably a good option as well. Then again, it still boils down to finding your own happiness.

Good luck to us!!! But as I always say… I don’t need to validate my existence
with the existence of somebody else.

So what’s it gonna be girl?

=======================================

PS: The night I read that article, I saw my mum and dad watching TV holding hands… They’re not really the showy type of people, so I seldom see some intimacy in the house… most of the time I see them arguing like a couple of 10-year olds.. now that’s marriage alright! Anyway, I think that was the first time I took notice of them holding hands in a long-long time (been too busy i guess).  It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside… can’t help but smile. 26 years… and still in love *sigh*  and this is the kind I know will last forever. Well I guess there’s still hope for us all…

I dunno if my body clock has become well-adjusted to my 3pm-12am schedule, or
if I have been thinking too much again, coz lately I have been having trouble
sleeping. When I get home from work, I would watch tv for hours, and after a few
episodes of Friends or House, I’d just lie in my bed awake, listen to music, or
play pool on my phone just to get me preoccupied and sleepy… until the next
thing I knew, the sun’s already up and I have to go to work in a few hours.

It’s so frustrating… I end up waking tired and lazy.

The other
night was the worst. It was like my mind was in a train that won’t stop on its
tracks… it just kept on traveling through time… and I kept seeing different
visions from my past. It was so bad, I decided to through my old stuff, just to
indulge my brain to get it to finally stop… My old stuff.. Yeah, I’m one of
those sentimental fools who keeps a stash of trivial things which I managed to
collect over the years. Notes, letters, diaries, pictures, and yes, even
chocolate wrappers… you name it! Yep, a lot of junk there.. but for me,
they’re my treasure. And as I was going through them one by one… God, I felt a
flood of nostalgia rushing through my brain… I dunno whether to laugh or
cry.

As I went through some picutres, I found an ID picture of me taken
when I was, I think, 1st year highschool. My hair was short, eyebrows weren’t
plucked yet, and I had braces on. I looked like.. a friggin boy! *lol* and I
looked myself in a mirror, and saw a different face… no wonder people from
highschool that I bump into do not recognize me anymore.

My, how things
change…

Then I found letters from bestfriends and cousins who I
religiously write to before, but I seldom correspond with now even with the
convenience of mobile phones and the Internet.. I wondered why and how we
stopped getting in touch… but I don’t remember anymore. Then again, maybe
that’s just how things are. I decided that someday I’ll try to contact or meet
each one of them. I dunno, I guess somehow I missed them… or I missed what
used to be.

My, how things change…

And of course, the hardest
part of reminiscing is to be reminded of old relationships… this is inevitable
when digging up lost memories that you thought you have buried in their
respective graves. The feeling is inexplicable… You’d somehow wish you caught
amnesia, just like those pathetic soap opera characters that your mom or
househelp watch in the afternoons. You’d find yourself smiling while at the same time salt starts bulding up in the corners of your eyes. It’s crazy!

And as I continue rummaging through my stuff, I kept
thinking what would it be like to be stuck in one moment and things didn’t
change.. I know things then are not going to be how it is right now, but the
question is, would I be happier then as I am happy today? Oh well, no sense
asking that now.. that’s just one of life’s mysteries that I just have to live
with. God.. so many memories… why do they have to be so taunting? *sigh*

They say change is good.. And boy oh boy, how things do change…

But
sometimes, I wish some things didn’t have to…

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." - Neil Gaiman

Yet… I’m still a real sucker for love… and still a real sucker for you…

Some friggin’ irony, huh?