Simple kind of life…

Some new year this has been… and I had to start my blog with a rant… *ugh* so without further ado…

This has been one helluva week coz I’ve been feeling sick all week!!! Sick of some stupid viral infection… the doctor called it viral exhautem… my mom said it was chronic fatigue syndrome… well, wutever! All I know is that it gave me a fever, joint pains, and rashes all over my body… and it sucked!!! It was such a pain to go to work coz I was feeling really weak and irritable. Yes, I still had to work… knowing me, I may always be late, but I’m never absent at work (and living just across our building doesn’t help either). I’m also frustrated because I was scheduled for a photoshoot this Sunday, but because of these damn rashes, we had to cancel… Good thing they agreed to reschedule the shoot… Worst of all, this sickness made me all depressed… I was kinda sensitive the whole time, and little things make me really sad right now… I was just totally not quite together the whole week…

The night I got my rashes, after 5 or so episodes of Friends, I still couldn’t sleep… so I called Chi for some consolation and cheering up… it didn’t work this time… I hung up feeling rather really lonely instead… like I’ve never felt sick and so alone before… I realized, I’ve been taking good care of other people… and I mean *really* take care of them… I go out of my way to do that… and I look at myself now, and no one’s taking care of me… it’s so sad, I cried myself to sleep.

Not that i’m a bad person… or I have no friends… people just seem to see me as the tough one, you know… the one who can always take care of myself… I know I can… but i think overdid the whole independent thing… So it got me thinking… and I remember when a best friend, aka spoiled adopted son (SAS) got sick and he was alone in the apartment (except for the driver, but he won’t be of any help at all) while the whole family was moving to another place… no one was attending to him so he asked me to keep him company… and so I went there with chicken soup, gave him a massage, and stayed with him till he fell asleep. That night, I went home it was already almost morning, just to make sure he was ok before I left. There was also a time before that when I had to take him to the hospital for something he got… he was almost always sick anyways, and im almost always the one to back him up… well, in almost all situations actually…

And this is what I get………

Monday, I had a fever but I need to go to work really early for a training, which got postponed by the way… major bummer… but that’s not as bad as this next one… ok I was online with the status “sick L” on my YM…  i’m quite sure SAS, who was online at that time too, would’ve seen that… I got a couple of “get well soon” messages from friends I barely even talk to, to whom I’m thankful for btw for their concern… but this guy… this person I fondly call my “son” never sent me a word until he logged out… ok I just shrugged it off coz I know i said something the night before that he didn’t like… and I know how he is when he hears stuff he doesn’t want to hear (well he did something we didn’t like, so there)… so that would’ve been fine actually… But then Tuesday night when I called Chi, he said SAS stayed over his GF’s place for 2 days because his GF was sick… I mean that was ok too… that’s a good thing actually… but it occured to me, hey! I deserve a lil concern from a good friend, too! A simple "Hi!" will do… Call me histrionic… but everybody wants attention from time to time… especially when you’re sick… and especially from people who you think are your best friends… But no…. he completely ignored me… No call, no text, no nothin up until now…  God!!! he always does this every time!!! and i’m always the one to give up my pride… See, i think this is why my other friends always put me on top of our Jesus List. I think I need to change that… so no, I guess not this time buddy…

So much for the cherry on top of my Christmas cream…

I was so disappointed… and hurt… I have to say, i have been disappointed with him for so many times now… I don’t know if I can take any more of that… For years I’ve always had an issue with friends having no time for friends because of their significant others… but that’s one big issue I’ll be dealing with later (now you got a clue on what my next blog entry is gonna be)… I’m just saying, it just made me all the more upset coz I personally NEVER abandoned my friends for my partner, even though how happy I was… I never forget my friends… and I always want them to be part of my happiness too… why can’t other people do that?!?!

I dunno if it’s just the virus talking… but I’m sick and tired of being always the one taking care of everybody… I’m sick and tired of being in charge… of being the one who initiates getting everyone to meet up and keep in touch… and i’m sick and tired of being set aside when they seem happy about their lives… and only remembered when they’re in a rut… i mean, i’m happy they’re happy… and i can help as long as i can if they need me… but… am i the only one here who cares enough to do that?!?! like i said earlier, why can’t other people do that?!?! i mean, is that too much to ask?!?! *aaargh* it’s my fault i guess… I know no one told me to be like that… and I kinda built this I’m-independent-I-can-take-care-of-myself image bullshit in me… but it gets really exhausting sometimes… well, i’m no superwoman…

Truthfully… I need someone to take care of me too…

everyone does…

*sigh*