Simple kind of life…

Colleen
Female, 25, It’s complicated

TWENTY-FREAKIN-FIVE!!! Oh God… why do we grow old so fast?!?!

So yeah, I just turned 25, and I dunno if I should be glad or sad about it… I know there are lots of reasons why i should be happy… but i can’t help but feel kinda depressed and frustrated… first and foremost, I hate the fact that i’m actually aging. Staying young is one of my guilty fantasies… my own vain obssession… and my friends know that my greatest fear is growing really old, grumpy, useless, and alone… *shudder* I’m more afraid of that than death itself… I know, i know… to get old is inevitable… I guess i have to stop my pursuit of finding the fountain youth now… *argh*

Then there’s also the idea of settling down… Oh wow! people, especially relatives who I seldom see, would always ask me this question when we finally get together "So when are you gonna get married?" and when i answer back, "Not anytime soon" or when i jokingly say "Never", they’re like "Oh no! you should start thinking about that now.. it’s hard starting a family if you get any older…"

Like i didn’t know that…

Once upon a time, I strictly declared to myself that if I don’t get married by 25, then i won’t get married at all… A friend of mine actually called me on my birthday and reminded me about it… of course, we knew that it was just a silly vow, and we are just joking about it now… ah yes, the ideals of the young, the restless, and the inexperienced…

But way back then, I was actually dead serious when I made that statement… As a matter of fact, if only my ex-boyfriend wasn’t being so much of an insensitive  workaholic prick and popped that question while we were still together (I was like 21 or 22 then), i would’ve said yes.  (Yeah, you already know this Josh… too little too late, huh? but we are still friends, aren’t we? i know i still owe you a treat out :p) But then I guess that’s not really meant to be… and i had have a take two and tire myself out first to realize that… Lesson learned: don’t settle for someone who makes you feel taken for granted, in any way possible. If there’s one thing I hate the most, it’s being left hanging in mid-air…

And since was under this false impression of what settling down is all about… there was a time that i even considered compromising my beliefs and principles for someone who i actually thought there was more in him than just physical desire… God, I was so wrong!!! Not that I was stupid or naive.. I was just being kinda optimistic about him, about things… that somehow, maybe he’ll change, or by some miracle, maybe things could work for us (i guess you didn’t know about this too, huh "pinsan"? although, you did know you’ve been more than a fling…) but i guess, he’s not for me either… I knew this from the start… but i just let down my guard… Lesson learned: a fling will always be nothing more than a fling… and people will always get what they deserve… i just hope he’s happy with the choice he made…

Ok… Thinking about it now, I wonder what triggered me to think of that principle… proabably because my mom got married at 24. Or maybe becuase I grew up with aunts who got married late in their lives (and one who’s probably doomed to be an old maid)… lecturing me not to follow their footsteps… but most probably it’s because I always believed that 25 is the best time to get married… it seemed just right… not too young, not too old… young enough to healthily bear a child, mature enough to take the responsibility that comes with the ring, and maybe stable enough to maintain it… Well, I believe I am mature enough to take on that responsibility… hell, i’m already taking care of a whole family as we speak! and as Grace would put it, I am the nurturing kind with a killer mother instinct *LOL* But stable?! I guess not yet… *sigh* I have to admit… I’ve been a bit careless with my finances… but hey, i’m happy doing the things that i do… so i guess that didn’t matter yet… until i realized i was about to turn 25… now i’m goin on a frenzy of revolutionizing my life… of doing all the things that i NEED to do… or at least start to do them… thus the moving out and being independent and all that stuff… i still have more plans in mind… and right now my problem is what to do first and how to start with it… my head is spinning!

And that doesn’t stop there… my relatives would then shoot me with a follow-up question… "Well, where’s your boyfriend anyway?" or worse "Do you even have a boyfriend?" AHA! I know a lot of people i know are wondering about the same thing… if Colleen is even in a relationship… and my answer (thank god for friendster for this) is "it’s complicated." i’m sure not many will understand, or agree with me if i talk about me and with my so-called relationships… but well… it really is complicated right now, so let’s just leave it as that.

After all I’ve said done, i still believe that 25 is still the right age for settling down… However, i don’t think I have to strictly comply with that… and no, i’m not afraid if i don’t fulfill it… if there’s one important thing that i realized about myself all these 25 years… it’s that i don’t really need to validate my existence with the existence of somebody else. Lesson learned: who says you need to marry to settle down? and who says you need a significant other to start a family? Call me irrational.. But it’s all just a matter of perspective…

So people… why the pressure?! life is already complicated as it is… can you just help out and not be a drag this time? If marriage is for me… then great! We can all be happy now… but happiness is a choice… a choice that only one can make for himself… so who knows, i’m probably be gonna be happy with something else.. i believe i can… and even at 25, i can confidently say that i’m happy with who I am right now… thanks to all the lessons i learned along the way… they helped define the Colleen that I guess most of you know already… if you’ve been reading my blogs that is, hehe! well, maybe things could still get better… but hey, this is good enough for me. i’ve already learned the most important lesson anyways… if you don’t know what that is… I got 2 words for you…

MOULIN ROUGE.

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P.S. Thanks to everyone who remembered me on my birthday. Although I would’ve wanted to celebrate with all of you, I decided to spend it with my family na lang… for years now, i’d usually spend my bdays with friends… party here, drinking sessions there.. i realized, i never really spend this special day with them.. so i had to make up for it… and i’m happy i did. So I guess I’ll make it up to you guys next time… Again, thanks! I really appreciate all the calls and the text messages! love you all! *muah*

Chi… thanks for the calls… i miss you!